Hey all

So now we're coming to the close of the first month of 2012, I'm still in college, its a bit more bearable since the alternative is work which I'm having reocuring nightmares about at least, nothing like horrible happening, just don't like it, but I need the money right now, so I'll hopefully (Well not hopefully in that I directly hope for it) be working over the halfterm.

College is well its college, I'm to be honest not doing too well right now, I'm on the thing before pre-dissimisal (pre, pre dissimisal?), due to me not being up to speed on my work, while I'm am trying to keep up with graphics, art on the other hand is not helped by the fact we've (My class) been moved into one of the media/art rooms which has barely any material in it and any room to work, not to mention when it comes to art right now I can't do it, I don't even feel like I can draw or create anything right now, its like all the times I've thought I've had a creative block were just snap shots of boredom this tops it, I look at something I like and I don't even feel motivated or inspired anymore, its even got the point where I'm self questioning my future, while I'd enjoy working in the games industry it would be simplier to just drop college work at Clays Ltd for a good amount of money, I'd hate it, I'd be bored five to six days a week, but only for eight hours, and I'd get use to it I suppose, but just the idea of feeding books into a machine for eight hours honestly makes my heart sink and I feel bored at the thought of it. Graphics on the other hand as I've said I'm working my arse of on, and this whole week I'll be working on that threshold to get it all done, although even if I do get through it will be just, but just is a enough, all that really matters is I have a portfolio and sketchbook ready to take with me to my interviews...however I can only get to one of them (NUCA) because I don't have the money to go the others.

On a seperate note but still on the subject of college, the more I go there, yes its bearable now as I've said, but I really feel the age gap at times, contary to people stating that being nightneen isn't that different, I remember at the beggining of the autumn term there was a girl I liked and then I found out she was sixteen and it hits you, a psychological block, and its not that you don't want people to see you going out with something younger its the fact you know from exsperience what the majority of sixteen year olds are like and having also the abillity to reflect on your younger self which seems to be with the exception of Eleanor Clogan the worst humanity has to offer. But yeah mabye its just me but I do feel older, doesn't make me feel better, if anything it makes me feel lonely and very isolated. So in that respect I also gave up with relationships or "flings" and what not, for now exspierence has told me its pretty pointless with the surrounding inhabitents, but that being said its nice not to be lovelorn for the first time in something like six years and to have to burning desire for any form of relationship either, suffice to say I've accepted being single, doesn't mean I don't resent the past though, I selfishly belive I'm entitled to resent at the end of the day, I've fucking earn't it.

The only person I can safetly say I feel comfortable around right now is :iconLilaaku, but I wouldn'st say no to any of my older freinds getting in contact to do something, as long as it costs under £5 and is either in Beccels, Yarmouth, Gorelston or my parents house.

Okay I just want to exspress this right now, recently I've been really thinking back on the last four years, who I've been more than who I am because that doesn't seem worth thinking about the present to me rarely does, its just feels strange that one way or another this is it, my time at college is at an end, I remember my first year, falling in love hopelessely with Alice and thinking I'd never get over it and I take that with me to some degree to show me even love can be forgotten as negative as it sounds. Not to say I don't belive in love my third year if anything taught me that, but in a sense of it comes and goes, it doesn't matter if you want it to or not either. Anyway back to the correct chronilogical progression of things my second year taught me anything to be calm and while people are pricks you just have to deal with it and violent outbursts only make you look like a bigger prick which by that point you are so you might as well give up anyway.

In a cyrpic subnote: "We are not what we remember of ourselves. We can undo only what others have already forgotten. Learn from your mistakes, so that one day you can repeat them precisely." Trevor Goodchild

Mabye that was a bit too cutting...

Third year of college, I can look back with equal degree's of fondness, nostalgia, beauty, happiness and morbidly at the same time, hate, resent, guilt, fear, loss, anger, isolation and betrayal. Either way I don't have much to say about besides I mainly focus on the second list of memories.

Fourth year...a somewhat bloated important waste of time and effort, if things go well then I have university next year if not I have work at Clays Ltd, either way I don't see much happening the only major difference would be at Clays I'd be earning money but would be in many ways isolated. Long story short I don't feel that I have learn't of acomplished anything.

Anyway I've really ran out of things to say now, and will be returning to insommina.